𝖜𝖊𝖑𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖍𝖊𝖑𝖑

here you are, this will let you observe my depression episodes from time to time,

also some maniacal behaviour bc im an unstable child with no help whatsoever

im slowly going insane and i dont like it, i just wanna live and be happy with my gf really thats all

anyways, this is more personal than my official journal ramblings, more worth-nothing words and stuff

please, don't be offended by my fucking venting and don't cry about it, this blog is for me to feel good, not you.

also you brought yourself here, you found the password and you read the warning before, thanks.


𝟘𝟡/𝟙𝟘/𝟚𝟙

i can't take it anymore i can't i cant i fucking can't, i'm also unable to talk about it with someone i trust bc i'm paranoid, scared and embarrassed, you don't even fucking know how hard it is for me to cope with a porn addiction, or rather a hentai one with mine mentality, and that itself isn't as embarrassing and regretful as the other that comes with it, masturbation addiction, i'm fucking terrified of it, i feel like a gross mess that i actually am. i hate it with the bottom of my heart and myself too, why cant i just get over it, i don't want to feel disgusting anymore, i don't want to cry anymore, i don't want to feel bad touching someone anymore, i don't want to feel guilty anymore, please.

the other thing is that i oversexualize myself and i regret that on one hand but on the other i feel better and it's all mixing up with the upper point, i can't talk to anyone cause of the shame that i feel, shame and pure disgust, i don't even know how to stop either of those things and its just adding to the despair that i'm feeling. it's all so automatic and i regret it every time it happens but i don't perticulary know what i COULD even do, and no, the basic things like lol just don't do it at all, are not working, shockingly.

and it smoothly goes to the one more reason why i don't talk about it, like there's literally no way anyone could help me, i'm just a miserable mess, talking about it would only break my picture in the eyes of other ppl, or at least i think so and i won't stop, intrusive thoughts are tiring, honestly.

i feel so pitiful.

all i could ever do is cry and moan, who thought.

im so sorry for the disgusting thing you've read

please forget about it

𝟚𝟛/𝟘𝟛/𝟚𝟙

sooo two days passed and theres a drama just wow, anyways i want to vent myslef of this shit here, i've bothered my gf too much yesterday anyways, yikes. okay so!! apparently the person i was talking about earlier read this, and well i would be happy if that was all, the salty-talk was directed to them, only them. but welp i cant have everything yeah? he's shown it to the rest of the friend group i was talking about!! wow i love when t h a t happens but also its not all!! she's shown that to the most important person from the opposite gender i have, i felt like a fucking garbage but okay, maybe they didnt know that its wrong [for some reason?] i asked a centrain somebody if they could tell her that it's not okay for me and i don't want anyone else to see it. but as i said i can't have everything in life. even after a long conversation with that person, the next day, he's shown that to even more people cuz "I FELT BETTER AFTER SHOWING THEM THIS". and thats were my rage starts!

so listen this is MY problem that I AM dealing with rn and i am NOT comfortable with you showing this off to everybody bc YOU feel better with doing that. in this specyfic situation my comfort is more important than yours. this situation is NOT ABOUT YOU for fucksake. i didnt do anything bad to you in this situation. you did to me and also ignored my kind reminder that its not okay. but no, youre going to ghost me, cry that i am mad and bad to everyone, acting like youre the one who's fucking hurt in this situation forgeting why it is like it is. youre the reason of this drama. you did something bad to me. dont try to switch the situation to seem like oh ah! shes mad ;( its so overwhealming to me!! and such. i feel the same you know? do you know why? bc im the one whos the victim, not you.

and you know what? you made me think about some things. and im going to rant about them too. you showed it without thinking about me, which is fucking hilarious, but straight to the point. you showed it because *YOU* felt better and you know what? thank you. i'm even more scared to come back because of it. you did it because you felt better, you knew nobody would be even questioning why youre showing it. you felt better bc you spread my personal thoughts knowing that it'll do better for you. you always will be praised. you know that they'll help you without thinking too much about it. you're the soft and kind girl, you don't need to worry that someone will hate you for your character, you're the perfect lovely best friend. youre "very sensitive" and innocent. everyone loves you. nobody feels or felt uncomfortable with you. youre everything i would love to be, i wouldnt need to be scared of my reactions cuz even if i were in the bad everyone would just slip it under the rug, i wouldnt have to cry about the things i said in my meltdowns and agression episodes, i would be loved no matter what sick shit i've done. youre in the safest point possible and i am completly the other way around. thats why, i know why you talk so openly about the fact that you don't regret anything and you feel good that you did it. im jealous that you have the guts to be so sure about your place. maybe you can make a monologue of this sometime, maybe i'll read it.

you risked my safespace for you to have your own in the bad situation you yourself created.

make yourself at home, my comfort is marginal as we know it.

𝟚𝟙/𝟘𝟛/𝟚𝟙

okay so im gonna rant about my fucking friend group bc i can!! ah wait... i can't im distanced from them and i don't know whats going on riiight? no. actually i have my friends acc, they know that i do so i don't think that its t h a t bad, sometimes i go and just do a check-up, like what's currently going on and stuff, for my own peace. ya know, even if im currently on a break they're still my friends right? i just want to know if they're doing good. but... what im seeing sometimes is surely shocking. i love them, yeah, thats true. also, im not feeling bad bc i read those things that i wasn't supposed to see, i feel bad that they're happening. i have like... two friend groups now. one that i am in contact with and i am HAPPY to have contact with, the second is the group that i took a break from and honestly? its heartbreaking whats going on there. for me. one girl got quite literaly kicked out of the group bc they "felt like she might be lying that shes trans bc shes confusing her pronouns sometimes" [bruh, cuz its a new thing for her and she tries her fucking best and i am gonna support her either way] and i hate to see the deadname'ing in the chat and misgendering on fucking purpose. its also getting worse when you know that one person in this group is also trans! and the other is using neopronouns and is in fact confused about his identity which changes from time to time, and i respect that, she's trying her best.

also, if you're reading this! hey, you cried bc someone questioned neopronouns and now you're misgendering and deadname-ing a girl cuz you "didn't feel like shes trans" fucking congrats! im not gonna pat you at the head rn. i've seen that you're sad that im "mean" and mad at you cuz i talk differently to the girl that i havent talked with in ages and had a fucking drama with, wow! shock! get your shit together! like really, i like you a lot, we're childhood friends but please stop acting like you never fucking did. also, i would love to talk to you about the situations that happened, ofc if you're reading this! probably youre not, i bet nobody remembers that i have a fucking blog<3 thanks ily too.

anyways, you're all making me sick with your latest behavior! ya know, if you don't want to play with "him" for a while, just fucking tell him about it! he even said that he won't be mad if you just tell him that you want a break!! but ofcourse no!! youre gonna give idiotic excuses and laugh at him on the other group. wow! youre acting awfuly! fuck you!

don't get me wrong, i don't hate you, i just hate the way that youre acting recently. and honestly? if you'll see that, you can be indigant, you can laugh at me and call me slurs or insults, i. don't. care. i just say what i think abou your recent actions,, soo, yeah. get fucked! maybe you'll think sometimes, at least i hope so.

𝟚𝟜/𝟘𝟚/𝟚𝟙

i feel so fucking ignored all the time im sick of it i cant do it anymore, it all started after i stopped talking on a discord server with my friends cuz my depression episodes hit me and i just fucking couldnt get myself to talk with them and now im too scared to fully come back to talking there its just too draining i feel like i've distanced myself from them and now they dont want me back

im coping with depression episodes, suicide attempts and eating disorders for over a half year now, guess fucking what? when i even try to give a sign that im feeling horrible and/or trying/attempted to kill myself nobody fucking cares except for my gf, i wont hide that im an attention whore pretty often but only with ppl i trust and only to gain ATLEAST some soft words to feel better, i fucking hate it when im having a literall meltdown in the group chat, sitting with a last-minute-made noose and everybody just fucking reads and dont even say anything ignoring me or even sending something shitty and random and just starts talking about it as if i didnt exist. i really think they would be better if i hanged myself this three times before.

now i feel like most of the most important ppl to me just doesnt care about what i have to say. i cant live like this anymore im feeling like i'll loose everyone at that scale, im that shitty kind of a person so im not really surprised that someone wouldnt like to know me. i personally would bully myself to the point i would kill myslef. im short-tempered, mean, mostly loud and irritating but it doesnt mean that i cant have depression. that everything i say, every single of my meltdowns are just a part of "my quirky uwu character and theres nothing to worry about!!^^ so ill just ignore that and do my shit owo" im unstable, im not quirky or faking it, really. im sick of all of you im sick of myslef im sick of fucking existing.