i hate everything and everyone im an awful person i want everyone gone im that fucking delusional that i cant stand my friends interacting while im in the same place as them my jealousy issues are back and i also hate everything about having a whole friend group, im now a second option as always or rather i feel like i am, im the loudest person in the room yet noone noticed ive been mostly ignoring the groupchat for 2 days now, nobody cares enough to even bother for a second I dont care enough to bother myself im tired i dont know what went wrong. im not the type to selfharm but i feel like having a sudden change of character and im craving to do it ive been thinking abt a handmade papercuter for that urges but i dont know.
i want to show that im awfully miserable i want to show that im an atrocious scum i want to show everyone i am deeply disturbed i want it to show i cant express it with words because nobody cares enough and i also cant get myself to know what is my problem. tho...
i think i know but its a lazy explanation; i am the problem. i am whats stopping me from progressing. i am whats stops me from healing. i am my problem. its not an illness its not my character its not my enviroment, its me. i myself am stopping me from feeling better. im a fake whore to everyone and i dont even wanna be, nobody knows what i actually think, feel, mean, nobody knows the real me, not even me. i just want something to fuck up. i need it. i cant stand my relationships being stable and healthy.
why is noone ridiculing me? why is noone hating me? why is noone scolding me? why is noone blaming me? why is noone leaving me? why does this last more than half a year? it should have ended by now. i cant be stable for more than 6 months. i want to fuck everything up i want everyone to hate me i want everyone to see im fucking stupid and that they dont want to know me. im a delusion myself.
i dont want to do anything i want to shut myself in and contemplate about myself knowing damn well i would want to hang myself after that, i am nothing worth seeing, im not anything people should be seeing im not a good person im not even a moderately gray person.
im just a bad, awfully rotten and pathetic boy.
nothing will ever make me happy, no matter what i would do, get or say, everything is pointless and i dont have any hope for myself.
i hope i'll dissapear and everyone else along-side me.
im selfish, do you hate me yet? im the worst one out, go on.
as a wise man once said
βMy unhappiness stemmed entirely from my own vices, and I had no way of fighting anybody.β
its almost 4am, i was left alone for 2 hours now bc everyone is sleeping and it has very bad effects on me, i hate being alone. it makes me think and i hate it so much. i was trying to understand myself as a person and i... cant. im everything and im nothing, i feel as if i think about myself i think about a person who is a polar opposite of the "me" my friends know.
in reality, i dont know who i am.
ive always been a supportive mom/clown friend and ive always been here for everyone and i think most of my friends percieve me like this. but when i look at myself i see an unempathetic bitch who helps everyone at every given occassion bc she thinks its obligatory of her. of course i care about the issues i hear about but its getting harder and harder to care to the same extent while the same people cant seem to understand how i feel even if im loud about it. ive always felt like everyone i know glosses over my issues and problems and i dont know why, its just here.
i know im not in the center of the world but i just... want some attention on me instead on someone else 24/7, i may be selfish but i need it.
ive always felt empty and to be honest i feel like im always at my worst, im always unsatisfied and not happy. and if i ever experience happiness it last a little while then dissappears. i want to be a better version of myself for everyone but inside im just a selfish whore who just cares about herself and her issues, always wanting attention and also being scared of abandonment while thinking about hating everyone and everything i love.
its sad that the only thing thats not changing in my life is my main interest and my mental state. ive never felt good enough with myself to feel "good" im always at my worst, im always the wronged one, im always the one to be taken advantage of. while, sure, i can be manipulative like everyone does sometimes but its more of smth i learned from being abused and doing it mostly subconsciously, its embarrassing to learn i did smth manipulative in a breakdown but what can i do? i would love to get therapy but its not really possible, i just dont want to manipulate anyone... i tend to think about the stuff i could possibly cause and its kinda scary
i think im rambling at this point and writing every thought i have, well... just know that my life isnt awful. i enjoy it while doing stuff with other people bc then i dont have time to think. but when i think about anything its just hard to accept. when im alone mainly i just... sit in one place. draw shit, read stuff maybe watch smth and thats all, im stuck at home but its not as bad as it could. its worse when i dont have anyone to talk to as you can see.
to end this note on more positive note, i think its funny how most of it sounds like a dazai kinnie rant.
its 2am now and im currently sitting on my balcony, its cold and everthing is so... dark. usually theres a lot of light from other residents but not today
oh and i think its snowing, its quite cool but yuh. anyway back to the topic, my sudden mood drop is showing and im not happy about it, i dont even know why i feel this way again, nothing happened to me recently, or did?
i dont even know. the only thing i can think about is my past friend that stalked me recently but surprisingly it didnt affect me as much... shes ignoring my messages now
going back, ive been staring off the distance for minutes at the time today and idk how i feel about it, my mental health should be getting better but its down again. im sick.
im feeling empty, i want to hit my head on something, ignoring the fact that i feel gross, i feel like im too mean to my friends. to my girlfriend too.
ive been ghosting my two best friends bc something stupid hurt me while it shouldnt and im too embarrassed to talk it out.
i still cant get myself to talk on my best friends discord as ive promised them and im mean to my girlfriend even when i dont want to, oh and also i feel as im too pushy on her sometimes...
other than that, my ambitions are killing me in school and mixing with my inability to learn. thats not a good combination as you can guess.
uh so yeah its your typical rant from teen i guess
but... i need to express something else.
fuck you X, i hate your guts, youve ruined me, my life, my mental health, my relationships with people, ive been afraid of you for a long time now.
but youre still keeping me close, or rather you tried to before i stopped responding.
i feel this connection that we have but i always feel like im a worse human being than you when i think about us, youve told me that before anyway... is this gaslightning yet? or no? i dont know.
youve told me many times that you hate me and im the worst person youve ever met and i caused all of your problems but
(even if i think its completly the other way around) i always apologize to you because im too scared to hurt you.
youre always saying how everyone [including me] hurt you and i dont want to do that again. so i just go with it.
but taking every drama we had on my shoulders is hard. especially when you point out it was "my fault" almost every time we talk.
my mental health cant take it, i idealize you in every situation because you developed a habit like that in me and i cant stop.
i feel more like your pet than your "best friend". i cant end our friendship because im already too attached to you and also... i know we'll get back eventually. yikes.
im just tired. youve traumatized me and affected my whole life and the best thing about it? you dont even realize it.
you blame everything on me, shit all over me and it makes you feel good. you need constant reassurance that youre an innocent angel and you dont care about anyone else around you.
i feel used. i was used. i still am being used.
i hate you but i love you and cant let you go because you got me stuck in our toxic relationship.
im sick of the trauma, of me loving you, trying my best to be the sweetest person you know and constantly trying not to hurt you while you...
you tell me im the worst, that ive ruined your life, hurt your family connections, that you hate me, i ruined you and well,, more.
ofc im not clean and i have my wrongs in our relationship and i acknowledged that many times
but at least i havent manipulated you, not even once, while you did it many times, im ashamed of myself that ive fallen for every little lie youve told me.
oh its 3am now, it,, took some time to write, i should go back inside, im kinda freezing, to end this note;
please just let me go.
look, you know, it's not like i forgot abt this blog i just felt very empty or happy for the most part and now the school started and yeah...
i thought too much today, i hate doing that. so much. i just really want to be like everyone else around me but i end up here
back to the reason of this note, i really want to kill myself. i really do. for a long long time now, nobody cares for the most part but idc at all...
the thing is i also know i have some type of future ahead and i want to witness it but i dont want to live it myself, im just mentally drained
probably its just one night of a mental breakdown but,, i want to live and have happy moments, with my friends but most importantly with my lovely gf
but the urge to end it all is itching, so much itching. i wish i could stop being like that,, but i dont know what to do. i dont have a therapist and i mostl likely won't ask my mom about it.
its more of a "live for another day" thing than "live for your dreams" i know most people now experience that and i am no special person but it still hurts
do nothing all day, go to sleep, wake up to school if i can myself, go to school, come back and the circle is continuing
it's too long already... will anybody read that? probably no, or yes, it depends if my dumbass brain will talk about this somewhere
even so i know my darling will be here, hi, love you and im sorry for being this way, i didnt even mean to be this problematic with my mental state
i dont know what went wrong and i think its the worst of them all
the fact that i cant even selfharm to let it all out is sickeing but i guess better for my body
maybe... maybe i shouldnt talk about it either way, im sorry
have a good night or day
love you<3
i was on a balcony the other day looking at this shitty city and thinking about some stuff and if i would need to tell a conclusion...
i love this city, i cant hide how bad it is but its also charming in its own ways... if i could choose, i wouldnt leave it but sadly i need
i mean only for like a month? but its still just soooo long, i wish that the conversation with a friend who has quarreled with me will go smoothly
but well,,, i dont know if i can tell them what i think and hope that he will see what i mean and maybe talk it out with me, im afraid that its not going to work out
all that is left is hope, oh how i hate this word but i love it at the same time, just as i hate being myself, im so fucking lost
i dont even know what im thinking anymore and how i feel, all i know is that i feel troublesome, for my girlfriend, for my friends everyone at this point
misery is tiring and im tired, theres so much on my mind that i didnt spil out yet that its getting overwhelming but i'll try to keep it to myself for now
i just really hate disappointing everyone, and yet, i do that all the time with my dumb and chaotic actions
i want to have an average teenage life, like my classmates, whom i adore for that kind of easy life
...
i got tired for some reason
do anyone even read as far?
well maybe i know one person,,
hi darling, if youre reading this, i love you, you know?
good night, i think im gonna have a sleepover with myself on a balcony today, its pretty warm tonight
ill take my plushies with me i think.....
i want to cut my thighs so badly i want to see them bleed i want to have bruises and scars on them but also im scared to death and i cant take the knife in my hands to do the stuff,
i just cant but my thoughts wont stop and i still want to cut my thighs in so many places seeing the blood running down to the bathtub it brings me joy thinking about this but also i feel some kind of discomfort by this,
i exacly know why, but i still am confused and scared its all scary i have exams in three days that will decide about my future school and i cant learn anything for them, my mind is full of suicide and selfharm
even when my life is kind of better and my enviroment isnt that toxic, nothing changed i feel empty and suicidal i want to cut my thighs,
how many times i've said it? i dont know
i really want to cut them, massacre all of them, my thighs, my fragile skin, everything is hurting, my bones are showing please
but.... in the end i dont want to cut my thighs.
...
i think i'll go eat some sweets.
okay wow so that was an unexpected swap, i made an agreement with the person i was in a drama with sometime ago, yeah...
and also my friend group is more like um stable i guess? anyways, this doesnt change the fact that i am extremly anxious with the person i had an agreement with
i still hate thier acts and nothing changed, i mean changed that shes not a bitch to me anymore [if you found this blog again to make fun or smth then hi]
buut in fact shes still acting dumb. yeah, thanks for calling me, my friends and my gf a literall whores bc we deleted you from smth cuz u werent active and also were making some of them uncomfyXDD
but yeah you respect others discomforts<3 it was our group btw funny thing, you make me feel anxious and bad when im aroud you so idk get fucked if this is something for you to cry about
i mean, i would be veeery happy if you'll stop for a moment someday and see your own flaws, i mean REAL flaws, not the "oh im dumb :(( and irritating for sure plz say no and comfort me cuz i want it"
like seriously thinking that you acted fucking wrong in many situations, i dont say that i didnt but youre not perfect. youre not always right. you would lash out at me rn but lol thats a fact, you can say that 3: but i say im wrong often, yeah, you do, for getting kind uwu nya words, not cuz you really did something bad and you see it, ironic
anyways i want to talk with you in person so fucking much but i know that i would be stressed as fuck and probably i would fall for your non'logical shitshow that you'll put on
please i want us to be like the old days, not whatever the fuck it is now.
well hi, i've talked about some things in my chaotic chatter in the second journal, yeah its somewhere in here, but i still cant get myself up
anyways i ruined most of my friendships and isolated myself because im a dumb bitch lmao
i talk with two ppl occasionally, very rarely and everyday with my gf, i don't know if i feel any certain way but most likely i don't feel positive about any of this
but also i can't come back. i don't feel like returning, im scared of returning. i think they care about me but im scared that they care, i left them,
i insulted them back then i was very fucking mean and just disappeared, they still care, they still try to talk to me and i don't quite understand why
leave me to rot and die, please. i feel bad that you care.
stop caring stop caring stop caring stop caringstop caring stop caringstop caringstop caringstop caringstopcaringstopcaringstopcaringstopcaringstocarinfstopstopstopstopstopstop
kill me and say that you hate me, i beg you.
i have been feeling pretty good last uh three months, i guess, but im starting to feel the same as a half year ago
i've been getting along with the person i was talking about then but minor things they say make me overthink yet again
i hate when i read the one thing they said for half an hour just to try and make myself think that they didn't mean it
it still isnt working but i managed to make the time pass faster
they know i have issues.
they still do it and i cant get that under the radar anymore
im sick of it
im sick iom sick sick sick sick im sick im sik im sick ims ick ims ick im sick im sick im ick im sick im sick
why cant they fucking just think for one second? is it really that fucking hard?
they make me isolate from everyone yet again because im paranoid that the only thing i really appreciate will be stolen
and everyone will just turn back on me, because ofcourse they are better than me and im not really important anymore
i love them but im starting to hate them yet again, from the same reason, and the same situation.
please use your fucking brain.
because i cant take this bulshit to my mind anymore.
you know me very well and i hope you'll respect that the fact about my mental health that i scream about the most, i dont think i could make it any more clear.
im going to snap one day and tell you that i hate the things you do
i hate you
i love you
i want to be calm and not stress about the things i shouldnt.
use your fucking brain and i will be happy
please forgive me
forgive me forgive me forgive me forgive me forgivemeforgivemeforgiveme f orgive me forgive forgive forgive frgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgivemeforgiveme
it was stupid stupid stupid iknow please dont be mad forgiv e me please
i didnt mean to be mean really please
i thought it was kinda funny, thats all
i didn t me aa n to
dont be mad, thanks
...they really didnt need to lash out at me
i really just thought it was fun
forgive me please
im mad at myself so fucking much i can't describe it
it's normal, why am i so pissed?
i don't want you to isolate, because of me
and thats why i don't say anyting, i don't want to
you're happy and i don't want to ruin that but its them that pisses me off so much
i can't stand the fact how stupid i am, but can you?
they piss me off by saying anything you-related, and i hate that
why i am so useless and all i can do is just can hate them? why cant i talk with you? im scared
im a coward, to this point, that i cant even spell thier name
i hide behind "they/them" because i can't take the consequences of my actions and i fear the worst
i can't stand myself
i can't stand the fact im such a coward
i adore them but i also can't stand them
make my thoughts stop
i dont want to hate them and myself
why
get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head
get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head
get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head
get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head
get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head
get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head
get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head
get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head
i am the problem, not you, why then i want you to disappear so much?
forgive me, but something in my head tells me to hate you and everything you do
i am so sorry, i know i am not the lady in distress
i hate myself as much as i don't want to hate you
and thats because, i am the distress.
disgusting and psychotic
distress
everyday seems very strange, sometimes i have a weird urge to hurt myself, without a fucking reason.
i feel like sitting in a puddle of misery, felling my body drip with blood with a knife in my hand-
who's hurt? thats a good question. the fact is that i really don't know.
sometimes i fall in despair, when it happens i want to hurt myself so badly or...someone
everything is fine, until i'm left alone. when i'm alone i have very high chance of just... turning off. i cannot really think straight
when this happens, i don't know what to do, one time i've tried to hang myself by handshower, i never really wanted to hang myself...
but i have so much thoughts about it, that i don't know what to do- im a big fucking mess, fragile like a glass, crying over anything.
my friends should hate me, but i guess it's not happening, i don't know why, but it makes me feel good and...special?
i don't know, i feel weird that people like me.
i like my life.
i like my friends.
i love my girlfriend.
i like what i have.
i'm very prideful and i'm not going to hide that.
but i feel like im a big fucking piece of misery and despair and i don't deserve that.
i don't want to hurt anyone, but my head is a dark place and my thoughts are disgusting, just like me
i'm sorry if you're reading this.
i lost my soul. i lost my healthy mentality